Blog
Guilty Is Charged!
Triple text… that’s me
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Jumping to conclusions… oooppsiiee!
Constantly questioning the relationship.…. Tehe
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This time two years ago that was all me! Although from an outside perspective, it seems totally all over the place! To me, it was totally normal
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The truth of the matter was, I was functioning of anxiety.
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The triple texts when something wasn’t sitting right, or responses all evening where dead….. that seemed normal to me!
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Jumping to conclusions about what they was doing and how they was feeling…. Was second nature!
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Constantly questioning the relationship and if this person truly wanted to be with me…. Was actually happening because I believed I wasn’t good enough!
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Now because I never actually addressed these patterns, I actually let some really good people go out of my life, because their actions didn’t feed my anxiety as such, I felt that this person wasn’t for me because the relationship didn’t feel “normal” to me!
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These issues are partly why I allowed myself to be treated poorly because that was what was normal to me! The reality was, actually these relationships only made my anxiety worse #facepalm
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I just want to point out now, that if your resonating with this, it doesn’t mean your “broken” but it is purely something you’ve learned growing up… which also means you can unlearn it!
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For me it meant…
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-Learning to self regulate when my anxiety started creeping in.
- Setting boundaries with myself and others!
- Repeating daily positive affirmations to remind myself that I am enough and worthy of love!
- Making sure I put my own wants and needs first so that I kept busy!
- Having difficult conversations if things felt off.
- Being honest with myself about what triggers me and asking is it actually true or just a past reminder!
- Taking the time to understand my attachment and voice my triggers to my new partner!
- Learning my self worth so I walked away from relationships that showed me no respect.
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Stop ignoring red flags, because “it might get better.”
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Luckily, one of those good people that I thought I lost, knew I wasn’t broken and he held space for me as I grew into this new version of myself!
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Although the start of our relationship held plenty of difficult conversations, he knows me inside out and I know him inside out. Creating a super solid foundation for our relationship.
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Anxiety, triple texts, conclusion jumping and much more…. Gone or manageable!
Just remember, just because you experience the above patterns today, doesn’t mean you have to experience them forever!
I Was Once A
Loner!
Can you believe that once upon a time, I was a bit of a loner!
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Although I have a great network of people around me now, it wasn't always like that!
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Now, you may see the photo to the right of me and think 'wow, you drove that?' Well fuck yeah I did!
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It looks great from the outside, but if you really knew me at that time, you would know the person driving that machine is very different from who I am now!
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If you are not from a farming back ground, big machines might be exciting for you, but honestly, something that looks so exiting can mentally be one of the loneliest places on earth!
Spending 14-18, if not more hours a day, in a moving, humming box. Sometimes with no one to see, no one to talk to and left with your own thoughts is where the trouble starts to settle in, add the lack of sleep and suddenly things feel very dark. Depression and anxiety functions at an all time high, but there is a 'taboo' saying that you've 'got to man up' and get on with it.
There comes a point, the job becomes second nature and you begin to hope that something goes wrong, just so you can have something to think about, something to fix.
But the reality is, your thoughts start to consume you. Something that started so small, turns into a major snowball effect and within an hour, the world feels like it is going to crumble.
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Now I know some, if not many in agriculture will relate to this, but these thoughts, unknowingly start to effect home too.
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It gets to a point where exhaustion sets in, spending time with loved ones, gets a lot less, responses get short and snappy and arguments break out for many reasons but for some its simply because 'we are never at home.'
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Over analysing starts, 'they didn't put a kiss at the end of the text, have i done something wrong?' 'They haven't called me today, they can't love me anymore.' 'They haven't responded in a few hours, they must be with someone else.'
Your partners bad day becomes your worst nightmare because you start to question if you are the cause!
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Once this starts, getting in to stop seems near on impossible! Having a strong support network is so fundamental in agriculture and if you are with someone who is in farming, don't judge them for needing a little extra reassurance, because really they need it!
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Before I took the step of the machines, I started to learn how to handle my own mind.
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- Firstly, making note of those around me who supported and loved me. I called on them just for a catch up and this really helped.
- Made those I trusted aware of what I was going through so they could support me when I need it.
- Started to note on a daily basis what I had come grateful for in my life.
- Made a list of my achievements on my phone that I could refer to when I didn't feel good enough.
- Listed some positive affirmations about myself that I could repeat when I needed to.
- Made a conscious effort to get out of the machine and walk around for 10 minutes!
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Rally your support network, be open about what your going through and remember, you are not alone.
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But if you do want to see the exciting side to the job, feel free to watch the YouTube Video below from when I featured in the Global Agri Company, Grassmen.
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Awesome News Guys! I'm Not Crazy!
Maybe just a touch, but I joke!
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Now I only say this because if you’ve been in a toxic relationship, there is a very high chance you’ve been told repeatedly that your crazy too…. Welcome to the club babe!
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I’m here with you on this one, I understand where your at right now! I know your looking in the mirror questioning yourself, asking yourself am I truly crazy? Have I lost the plot? What’s wrong with me?
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Listen lovely, this isn’t you! this is the result of you calling your partner out on the truth and by them turning it around to label you crazy, you shut down.
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I bet after the experience you had with venting your feelings and thoughts, that you shut down and questioned it was you!
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Every time I called my ex out for being a with another women, he would tell me I’m crazy, he would tell everyone I’m not right in the head!
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He knew that by doing that, I’d question myself, question my worth, blame myself for how the relationship had become and guess what, it worked like a charm every single time!
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Like you, I came to hate myself. I blamed myself for being cheated on and questions what my life was worth! I was so confused because all the signs of him cheating was there, the physical evidence was their but because I came to believe I was crazy, I blamed myself.
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I knew I wasn’t stupid, so I looked at the evidence I had. It was clear what had been happening, I had even had it confirmed with the woman he was with!
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So I questioned, how am I crazy?
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The result wasn’t that I was crazy at all, I had just been catching my ex out for cheating. He didn’t like that I knew, so by making me feel bad and question my reality, I would no longer ask. I’d just shut up and get on with it.
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This simple question, started leading me on a personal path of self discovery, I started to analyse the relationship and myself so much more.
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Cut a long story short, I’m here with you today. Sharing that story in hope that it will help someone else.
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If someone is labelling you crazy, take a step back because I promise there is a bigger picture here waiting to be discovered.
I Just Keep Hoping...
But what are you even hoping for?
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One thing that I hear women say so often after leaving a toxic relationship is, “I guess I just hoped he would change” “I just hoped that he would go back to how he was in the beginning”.
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Before we get into this, know it’s is okay to ”hope” for someone to change or go back to how they was! The person we thought they where and who they actually turned out to be are two very different people.
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But let’s look at the reality
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What is this “hoping” actually doing for you?
Hoping isn’t going to change how they have treated you.
Hoping isn’t going to change the person that they have shown you to be.
Hoping isn’t going to take back damage they have done to you mentally or physically.
Your hoping for someone who was never truly there!
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Hoping is what has kept you holding onto this toxic relationship.
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Hoping is what has kept you stagnant, depressed and highly anxious!
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Start looking at the reality of who that person was and how they have treated you more recently, than how they treated you in the beginning.
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Stop ignoring Red Flags, just because you hope they will be the person they hid behind the mask.
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Make your choices based on the reality of the situation, not on the “hope” they will change.
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I Get It, It's Hard!
Being consistently strong after a break up is hard!
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But it’s okay to have an off day, roll through the motions!
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I remember leaving relationships and being on a “fuck yeah” high! But then hitting the lows, thinking I made the wrong choice!
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But it was normal, it’s normal to feel up, down, broken, better than ever! The emotions are all over the place, but I honestly mean it when I say it’s normal and it’s okay!
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With these emotions can come with thoughts, questions and self blame! But if you left for a reason, it’s important to remind yourself of that!
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During this time it was really important for me to focus on these things….
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Accept the emotions I was experiencing, the world in which I knew had been flipped upside down!
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Write down the reasons in which I left! This might of seemed cruel but actually it stopped me returning! It reinforced that I did the right thing!
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Acknowledge why I was experiencing these emotions! The anger, why was I angry? The sadness, what was I mostly sad about? The self blame, what did I actually do wrong?
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Being kind to myself! Not punishing myself for these feelings or just telling myself to “get over it” this actually allowed me to process what I was feeling.
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It wasn’t about being strong, it was okay to feel broken. It was about sitting through the pain and allowing it to be there and process it!
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But I get it, it’s hard
I Said, No!
Story time…. the fairy tail of the girl who learned that saying no had better end result than constantly saying yes!
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From a young age, I had come to learn that voicing how I felt and how someone’s actions made me feel, often had undesirable consequences. Back then, it was considered “talking back”.
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As I grew up, I took this “yes” girl attitude into my relationships, which included my friendships. Allowing myself to be in toxic environments which left me feeling deflated and walked all over.
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I had this people pleaser attitude, thinking that If I always said yes, I’d be loved more, liked more, appreciated more!
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Most of the time I was treated poorly because I was always the one saying “yes” and making myself available, resulting in lack of respect.
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It wasn’t until I realised that by starting to say ”no” that my life started to get better!
I started to say no to friends who couldn’t appreciate that I wasn’t there at their first call because I was working my ass off.
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I started to say no to those around me who treated me poorly.
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I started to say no to jobs that I no longer needed to do just to please other people.
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I started to say no to toxic family members that felt like they could be disrespectful towards me, just because they are blood.
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I started to say no to allowing negative people in my life just because they had once been a friend!
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By saying no, I started learning that I was tossing out the toxicity in my life and allowing room for more happiness to flow in!
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Those that couldn’t handle me saying no to them…..left! Those that could handle it, respected me and are still in my life today.
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Saying no taught me that I’m more respected than I am when I always say yes. It’s also made my life a more enjoyable place to be.
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Above all else, it is okay to say NO!
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Brace yourself: Get ready for a thought-provoking post that's bound to ruffle some feathers!
Let me ask you, how many times have you left a relationship and said “I just want to feel like my old self again?”
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Consider this, why would you want to feel like your old self again? Why not embrace this new version of yourself?
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From my own personal experience, I wouldn’t dream of going back to my old self, I can proudly say I am twice the woman I was back then!
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Back then, I had no boundaries, lacked self respect, struggled to say no, had little self confidence and looked for validation in others!
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This version of myself, has a pretty persistent glow. I can hold my own, can confidently say no! Enforce my boundaries with confidence and have no problem with removing what no longer serves my life!
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So truly ask yourself, do you really want to go back to your “old self” or embrace what this new you has to offer!
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If you’ve left a toxic relationship, your old self was happy to accept that relationship, it was okay to accept that being cheated on and manipulated was a reason to try harder.
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Your old self was happy to lack boundaries and drop your own wants and needs in order to make someone else happy.
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Your old self was okay with being walked all over, being put down, being blamed and gaslighted!
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Embrace what this new and upgraded you has learned!
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Embrace the lessons this relationship has taught you.
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Embrace the strength that this relationship has pushed you to find.
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It is okay to embrace this new version of yourself!
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Let’s face it, why would you want to feel like the old you when that version of you allowed yourself to fall into that relationship!
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This new you, this growing you, has learned valuable lessons, gained strength and the beauty found in that strength and is about to grow into someone unreachable!
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Get excited for the person your becoming, you thought you was doing well before, I can promise you, your about to become someone unrecognisable.
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